I admit it, I have certain Larry David-esque qualities about me. It’s part anxiety mixed with high standards when it comes to basic manners. Sure, I’m a nightmare – but a polite one.
If I fork out £10 for cinema tickets or £70 for Coldplay tickets, trust me, you had better not ruin my night. So if you do any of the below, and I’m sat in the audience with you, I can guarantee I hate you (just for that moment anyway! I’m no good at holding grudges).
You turn up late
I’m generally at least 20 minutes early for everything. What’s that? You’ve met me in real life and I was on time? Oh no my naive friend, I was early – but hiding around the corner… waiting. So if you turn up late meeting me, I am furious (I’ll smile though, won’t actually say anything). In fact, if we’re meeting at 6pm, I kind of think 5.55pm is the right time to meet, and anything after that is late. Sure, if you have a good excuse and you’re genuinely sorry, no hard feelings.
When I go to a gig or show, I’ve paid a decent amount of cash, so it’s an event for me. I’ve planned what food I’m going to eat, what I’m wearing and will get there nice and early. I’ll then sit down, the show starts and BOOM, late people have arrived and need me to get up so they sit down.
In fact, if there are empty seats around me, I feel anxious, because I know people are coming. I can’t relax. Oh, and if they have a glass of fizz in their hands because they’ve been loitering at the bar – they’ll be subject to my murder-stares.
You leave early
Show some respect to the performers! Yes, I know. Traffic is bloody murder and getting out of here is going to take ages, but I can’t stand those people who don’t hang around for the encore, or applause and leave. It’s so rude! Suck it up, show the performers appreciation and leave when everyone else does.
You bring in noisy food
I know people are really funny about people eating at all in the cinema etc. I have no problem with it, munch away. In fancier cinemas in London, you can even have hot food (well, actually – you can get hotdogs and nachos everywhere). Fine with it. Here is my problem – wrappers and plastic bags.
I went to see a Christmas Carol in January (free tickets thanks to ShowFilmFirst – sign up, it’s amazing), and a woman brought a carrier bag with her, with a multipack of crisps in it (fuming just thinking about it), as well as biscuits and sweets. The amount of wrappers and rustling was obscene. The show would go quiet for a bit, and she was there, loudly rattling like Marley’s ghost with his bloody chains. I honestly nearly burst with rage. I was sat too far away to say anything, but kept looking around and tutting and huffing. It’s the British way.
Again, I’m ok with a quick word/whisper now and then, but if you are having a full blown conversation while in an audience, I hate you.
You look on your phone
When I went to Memphis (great show), the man sat next to me (and we were right in the front) had his phone out just having a look on Facebook. To me, you’re as good as a murderer. In a theatre setting, your phone being on is a no-no.
At a gig, I’m fine with it. At the cinema, keep it brief. I’m talking time check – not Facebook updates.
You clap along to the music
This is controversial, because I know I sound like the fun police, but most people can’t be trusted to clap along to music. People speed up, clap out of time and it’s generally a shambles. Unless you’re in a pantomime or the Hornpipe is being played – keep your hands apart. HA! (I do realise how grumpy I sound).
You boo the villain during the applause
In theatre/musicals, there is generally a bad guy. We’re adults right, so know this person is just an actor and not really a murderer/witch/satan. So when the actors come out to take a bow, it makes me die inside when people boo the antagonist. The poor actor! Clap, because you should know better.
You sing along
I’m here to listen to Fantine, not you love.
Ok, any of these unreasonable? Any I’ve missed out? Let me know in the comments.
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